Chapter 2: Basket Case

Do you have the time

To listen to me whine

About nothing and everything all at once?

I’m not a big Green Day fan, but it was sure nice of them to write a song about me.
“Sometimes I give myself the creeps” – check.
“Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me” – check.
“It all keeps adding up; I think I’m cracking up” – check and check.

The “am I just paranoid/stoned” line is no longer applicable, but it definitely fit when I lived in a share house with a bunch of unemployed, dope-smoking musicians in my 20’s. But that’s another story for another blog (as is the whole “lack of sex that’s getting me down” thing).

I'm not sure what the purpose of this blog is gonna be, exactly ... I just thought it might be good to get some of the thoughts/feelings/experiences that led to my recent psych-ward visit written down. Sorry if it rambles (it probably will) or gets self-indulgent (it definitely will)...

A little history: I was diagnosed with clinical depression about 15 years ago, when I was in my early 20’s (and living in a share house with pot-smoking musicians, coincidentally). My psychologist suspected I’d been suffering quite a bit longer than that ... I had my first serious thoughts of suicide in 1991 as I was completing Year 12 in high school (probably around the time I first heard Scatterbrain! Is that ironic? Alanis??).

After trying a few anti-depressants, I ended up on Efexor (venlafaxine) – which kept me “afloat” for around 12 years, I think. As a mood stabiliser, I found it (mostly) kept me from serious thoughts of self-harm, but it also made me feel “numb” in many ways. I wasn’t hating life, but I sure wasn’t loving it, either.

In late-June of this year, I had a pretty major depressive episode... the combination of winter, loneliness and self-loathing just seemed to overwhelm me. So a review of my medication was undertaken and I switched over to Lovan (fluoxetine), starting on a very low dosage (10mg) which was doubled after a week. My initial response was quite positive, although it really screwed up my sleep – I would find myself still awake at 3am with a random flow of sounds and images from what seemed like 12 different made-up movies running through my head simultaneously. But I found that I had renewed energy and attentiveness during the day, despite the lack of sleep, and the overall numb feeling seemed to be lifting.

As my system adjusted to the new meds and my sleeping patterns returned to normal, I think I started drifting back into the same state of “numbness” that I’d just been woken out of... but I wasn’t quick/aware enough to act upon that feeling before it got too much for me.

IN THE NEXT THRILLING INSTALLMENT:
Grantley visits the nuthouse.